Saturday, February 28, 2009

Diving in headlong

I'm in it completely. There's no caution anymore for either of us. We're both utterly invested. I trust him to be honest and devoted and to want to give me more than any ten people could. More importantly, I just trust him entirely. I'm much more okay with this than I ever imagined I would be.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

And see what he has written about me

Here, and here.

The first link is a heart-wrenching post where he tells our story from his side, and the second is the poem he wrote for me for Valentine's Day. (My gift to him was this.)

Monday, February 23, 2009

My resolve is slipping

How am I supposed to hold my ground when he makes me feel like this?

There are more pictures from The VIP party last night here.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Considering reconsideration

Well, I've stepped into it again.

First, let me catch you (all 3 of my readers) up on some events:

I'm not divorced yet. Michael and I are not getting back together, but we also haven't felt urgency about pursuing the divorce yet. We're communicating civilly, we still care about one another quite a bit, and we're being adult-type humans about the situation. This is a goodness. The last thing in the world that I want to do is cause him any more hurt. The decision to split was about stopping the damage we were doing to one another.

Since then, I have been in a few intense relationships and several peripheral involvements, all the while maintaining my sovereignty, and certain that I will be polyamorous and autonomous forever. I have been certain that I will not marry again, and absolutely never will I mix finances again... and while I have nothing against falling in love and love to do it frequently, my plan was to do it at arm's length going forward.

Plans are so quaint.

So, along comes Thomas. He works at SpendFriend too. He and I exchanged a few casual words and flirted ever so gently. He claims he recognized the chemistry first, but I caught on pretty quickly thereafter. Within days we were both certain that we were in pretty deep water. We chalked it up to New Relationship Energy at first, but before long we realized that beneath that, we have been falling deeply, undeniably, ridiculously in love. Mentally I have been doodling hearts in my imaginary Trapper Keeper, and writing my first name and his last name, and packing his kids' lunches. One day I confessed these imaginings to him, and instead of getting a wild, cornered look in his eyes, he smiled and sighed and decided it was a beautiful concept to consider. We're both aware that it's silly to even toy with such ideas so soon, but we're opting to kid ourselves that we do it with a grain of salt and cynicism.

There's only been one other person that I fell for so rapidly and so completely. He and I got married and I spent 5 years with him. I don't regret that time. I regret that Michael and I weren't able to fix the problems as quickly as they arose. My interaction with Thomas feels that intense and that pure, and feels like a second chance at The Great Relationship.

So, here I am, giddy and optimistic, and enjoying building this gloriously fantastic construction with a man with whom I can imagine another, different, successful forever... and we come to a crack in the foundation. It's a pretty significant issue.

I had been up-front with Thomas from the beginning about my polyamory. He admired it in me, and thought that it's a great way to be. He was okay with accepting it as just another aspect of my personality, and didn't react jealously when I spoke about others I was seeing. He was understanding and supportive when I was reeling from two break-ups with the other men I had been dating. It eventually became clear to him, however, that as he fell more deeply in love with me, his ability to share me was waning. He arrived at the conclusion yesterday, that he would not be able to handle it in our relationship. He says it's not jealousy, or a need to control, or insecurity about how I feel about him. It's complicated and I almost understand how it isn't those things. I'm trying to get it.


Furthermore, he told me that he will not allow me to sublimate again, because he knows that I did it in a past relationship and had stated firmly that I wouldn't do it again. So, he can't acclimate to polyamory, and says he won't accept me converting to monogamy, but he's not walking away either. What am I supposed to do with this?

In my experience in mediation, I've learned that resolution is most likely to occur if both parties are predisposed to examination first and foremost of what they're willing to compromise in order to make things work. I have endeavored to do that whenever I am confronted with a dispute.

So we had a long talk. We arrived at some compromises... for now. I have a small fear that the tenuousness of the arrangement will override the purity of the connection we're establishing... and I would almost welcome that. If I could only fall out of love with him, the problem would be solved. But, I don't foresee that happening. We're too good at respectfully and productively examining differences. The connections we've made and discovered and keep making and discovering are too perfect in their formation.

...And the sex is phenomenal. I mean, really. Life-changing. Transcendent. But, anyway.

I continue to consider what I am willing to give up. I continue to consider consequences of every sacrifice, and the consequences of standing firm on individual points. I want to just surrender entirely to him, but the way that we handle this initial crisis sets the tone for every difference of opinion to come. It feels petty to weigh the details like this, but it also feels necessary.

So, what's the current status? We're good. We're together. We're in love. We're communicating. We're sharing. We're still giddy to see one another. We're not pretending that we don't have a problem, but we're also not going to focus all of our energy on beating our fists against it. It's a crossword puzzle to set down when stumped and pick up again later when perspective is fresh.

Cross your fingers for us.